Did you enjoy the 2009 Star Trek movie where JJ Abrams made his mark? Did you view the mark as a blemish or a crest? Review Why Trekkies hate the ’09 Star Trek movie to refresh the mind because science fiction pundits Lancer Kind and Hal Dace are going it again with this pre movie release special.

Hal, I was so excited to see a new Abrams Trek was coming out, I threw out all of my Babylon 5 figurines to make room for NuKirk and NuSpock.

You shouldn’t have done it Lancer. Not only is B5 director JM Straczynski going to bitch slap you, those B5 toys are going to be worth a lot more than some emo, Beiberesque, NuTrek plastic-shit.

Dude! Don’t talk that way. You know I was right to love the 2009 movie. This is what Wikipedia said about the last one. It outsold any previous Star Trek film! You’re sounding like a fuddy duddy.

Official screenings in the United States started at 7 pm on May 7, 2009, grossing $4 million on its opening day. By the end of the weekend, Star Trek had opened with $79,204,300, as well as $35,500,000 from other countries. Adjusted and unadjusted for inflation, it beat Star Trek: First Contact for the largest American opening for a Star Trek film. The film made US$8.5 million from its IMAX screenings, breaking The Dark Knight’s $6.3 million IMAX opening record. The film is the highest-grossing in the United States and Canada from the entire Star Trek film franchise, eclipsing The Voyage Home and Star Trek: The Motion Picture. Its opening weekend numbers alone outgross the entire individual runs of The Undiscovered Country, The Final Frontier, Insurrection and Nemesis. Star Trek ended its United States theatrical run on October 1, 2009, with a box office total of $257,730,019, which currently places it as the seventh highest-grossing film for 2009 behind The Hangover. The film grossed $127,764,536 in international markets, for a total worldwide gross of $385,494,555. While foreign grosses represent only 31% of the total box office receipts, executives of Paramount were happy with the international sales, as Star Trek historically was a movie franchise that never has been a big draw overseas.

I’m giving you a direct order: Lancer, to stick to writing books and leave the “what’s and what’s not Trek” to dyed in the wool Trekkies like myself.

Don’t be so Starfleet Command. Throw me a bone here. What’s going to go wrong in the next movie?

Throw you a bone? Hell, here’s a checklist of ’em.

Trek Purity test

1. Kirk acts as a diplomat.
2. Spock cannot conduct a romantic relationship.
3. Spock doesn’t get laid. (Outside of Pon Farr.)
4. Spock uses the neck pinch or mind meld.
5. A deep moral dilemma is presented and resolved.
6. McCoy cures a disease.
7. Scotty saves the ship.
8. Star Fleet Command trusts Kirk’s judgement. (It’s cliche drama to fight with idiot boss.)
9. Romulans are lawful evil (to borrow a AD&D term): honorable, noble imperialists who’ll use torture that causes no permanent damage.
10. Convincing technobabble that doesn’t violate the laws of physics.
11. Uhurah sings a song.

That’s a good list and I agree that those points will be in any good Trek movie. Let’s talk predictions as to how the next film will do based on this list. This is Abrams second Trek movie. He’s probably heard plenty of bitching and I’m certain he’s bookmarked, and studied Why Trekkies hate the ’09 Star Trek movie. So he has a better chance of making more of the Starfleet Academy bumper sticker crowd happy. I really enjoyed the last movie although agree with you on several of your grievances. I differ in that I think the franchise needs to evolve as society does. I’m with you in that it’s a grave loss to screw up the science and violate internal consistency. And I also think more story telling of a utopian future would be interesting although harder to write but Abrams clearly isn’t interested.

I predict that since Trek11 (2009) did time travel, there will be none this time to avoid the audience tiring of that trick. I think Into Darkness will fail the first three checklist items and then come on strong for the next four, and finally Uhurah sings and Spock’ll do something Vulcan, putting the film at six out of eleven. I think this will allow the movie to be a great commercial success yet maintain most of the Trekkie fan base, thereby bringing fresh viewers into the Trek fold.

It’ll be Star Wars: nonstop action, no strategy, no thoughtful moments. I say the next film fails all of the tests. A complete 0.

How much money are you willing to bet that my prediction is closer than yours?

You sound like a confident man. Forget money. I want the B5 set rescued from the garbage and delivered to me if I win.

Deal!

Print this handy checklist and take it with you to the theater. And each time the movie earns a check, stand up, flip open your cell phone and shout “beam me up Scotty!,” and the rest of the audience will applaud. If they don’t applaud, they didn’t read this blog and you don’t give a damn because they ain’t Trekkies.

Go ahead and vote!

 

Tags: Star Trek