Did you enjoy the 2009 Star Trek movie where JJ Abrams made his mark? Did you view the mark as a blemish or a crest? Review Why Trekkies hate the ’09 Star Trek movie to refresh the mind because science fiction pundits Lancer Kind and Hal Dace are going it again with this pre movie release special.

Hal, I was so excited to see a new Abrams Trek was coming out, I threw out all of my Babylon 5 figurines to make room for NuKirk and NuSpock.

You shouldn’t have done it Lancer. Not only is B5 director JM Straczynski going to bitch slap you, those B5 toys are going to be worth a lot more than some emo, Beiberesque, NuTrek plastic-shit.

Dude! Don’t talk that way. You know I was right to love the 2009 movie. This is what Wikipedia said about the last one. It outsold any previous Star Trek film! You’re sounding like a fuddy duddy.

Official screenings in the United States started at 7 pm on May 7, 2009, grossing $4 million on its opening day. By the end of the weekend, Star Trek had opened with $79,204,300, as well as $35,500,000 from other countries. Adjusted and unadjusted for inflation, it beat Star Trek: First Contact for the largest American opening for a Star Trek film. The film made US$8.5 million from its IMAX screenings, breaking The Dark Knight’s $6.3 million IMAX opening record. The film is the highest-grossing in the United States and Canada from the entire Star Trek film franchise, eclipsing The Voyage Home and Star Trek: The Motion Picture. Its opening weekend numbers alone outgross the entire individual runs of The Undiscovered Country, The Final Frontier, Insurrection and Nemesis. Star Trek ended its United States theatrical run on October 1, 2009, with a box office total of $257,730,019, which currently places it as the seventh highest-grossing film for 2009 behind The Hangover. The film grossed $127,764,536 in international markets, for a total worldwide gross of $385,494,555. While foreign grosses represent only 31% of the total box office receipts, executives of Paramount were happy with the international sales, as Star Trek historically was a movie franchise that never has been a big draw overseas.

I’m giving you a direct order: Lancer, to stick to writing books and leave the “what’s and what’s not Trek” to dyed in the wool Trekkies like myself.

Don’t be so Starfleet Command. Throw me a bone here. What’s going to go wrong in the next movie?

Throw you a bone? Hell, here’s a checklist of ‘em.

Trek Purity test

1. Kirk acts as a diplomat.
2. Spock cannot conduct a romantic relationship.
3. Spock doesn’t get laid. (Outside of Pon Farr.)
4. Spock uses the neck pinch or mind meld.
5. A deep moral dilemma is presented and resolved.
6. McCoy cures a disease.
7. Scotty saves the ship.
8. Star Fleet Command trusts Kirk’s judgement. (It’s cliche drama to fight with idiot boss.)
9. Romulans are lawful evil (to borrow a AD&D term): honorable, noble imperialists who’ll use torture that causes no permanent damage.
10. Convincing technobabble that doesn’t violate the laws of physics.
11. Uhurah sings a song.

That’s a good list and I agree that those points will be in any good Trek movie. Let’s talk predictions as to how the next film will do based on this list. This is Abrams second Trek movie. He’s probably heard plenty of bitching and I’m certain he’s bookmarked, and studied Why Trekkies hate the ’09 Star Trek movie. So he has a better chance of making more of the Starfleet Academy bumper sticker crowd happy. I really enjoyed the last movie although agree with you on several of your grievances. I differ in that I think the franchise needs to evolve as society does. I’m with you in that it’s a grave loss to screw up the science and violate internal consistency. And I also think more story telling of a utopian future would be interesting although harder to write but Abrams clearly isn’t interested.

I predict that since Trek11 (2009) did time travel, there will be none this time to avoid the audience tiring of that trick. I think Into Darkness will fail the first three checklist items and then come on strong for the next four, and finally Uhurah sings and Spock’ll do something Vulcan, putting the film at six out of eleven. I think this will allow the movie to be a great commercial success yet maintain most of the Trekkie fan base, thereby bringing fresh viewers into the Trek fold.

It’ll be Star Wars: nonstop action, no strategy, no thoughtful moments. I say the next film fails all of the tests. A complete 0.

How much money are you willing to bet that my prediction is closer than yours?

You sound like a confident man. Forget money. I want the B5 set rescued from the garbage and delivered to me if I win.

Deal!

Print this handy checklist and take it with you to the theater. And each time the movie earns a check, stand up, flip open your cell phone and shout “beam me up Scotty!,” and the rest of the audience will applaud. If they don’t applaud, they didn’t read this blog and you don’t give a damn because they ain’t Trekkies.

Go ahead and vote!

Save a world from awful naming! NASA discovered an M class planet (means Earth-like) less than 5 light years away, over half of the distance of our previous favorite place to put an overflow parking lot. But how would you like to live on a world saddled with a crappy name as Alpha Centauri Bb? Save Alpha Centauri Bb and save NASA’s outreach programs (without which we won’t know half the cool stuff NASA’s doing) which are in ruins due to sequestration.  Pony up a few bucks and drop a new name for Alpha Centauri Bb!

Don’t have $4.99? Other than the fact that Sally Struthers will be ringing your phone (if you have one) to see what’s up, for 99 cents you can vote for an already nominated name (yes, democracy does cost a little).

So whether you are a leader or a follower, you have influence in preventing the future school children of little Bb (you cry like a Bb) from being beat up when they travel to other planets.

Imagine your worst day so we can compare notes with Akiya, the main character in Caveman Funk. You’re a modern person (perhaps even post modern), have a loving family, and maybe even a fridge full of food to go with your beer. Akiya’s a neanderthal boy who’s a foot shorter than his peers and his tribe is legendary for feats of strength and are all built like The Rock. Akiya’s more the Woody Allen type. His older brother and friends constantly tease him for not being able to pack very much dead game (you had this problem too?) to the point that Akiya is getting a complex about helping the women gather nuts and dates rather than going out with the men.

Akiya’s back is against the wall. His tribe’s counting on him to transport deer to a neighboring tribe. His dad’s counting on him not to be an embarrassment. His brother and friends won’t help him because they’re more interested in the lifestyle portrayed by new arrivals, music television evangelists. So getting slain deer home is all on Akiya’s shoulders.

How does your worst day compare with Akiya’s?

What do you think Akiya should do?

To check your answers and be entertained, go download Caveman Funk to your Kindle for less than the cost of a latte.

August 10, 10,000BC the inventor of the wheel was found dead. The local medicine man puts the time of death to within 24 hours, but he insists this is preliminary until he consults with the deceased’s spirit. Through facial recognition technology via looking at the face, the body has been identified as Zuzu’s. It was discovered by a fellow tribesman in a terrible state: the stomach split open and gutted, as if he were a deer. The murder weapon, a spear lying beside the body.

Everyone in the tribe feels disturbed and worries Zuzu’s tortured spirit will visit the tribe and cause food to spoil and mothers to miscarry, despite assurances from the medicine man that he can deflect any ill givings. Everyone in the tribe has motive to the murder. Everyone demanded Zuzu stop developing tools which would disrupt the labor agreement the tribe has with the neighboring tribe.
Lu Beau, the tribe’s strongest man, goes on record to say, “Zuzu wouldn’t listen to reason. It’s that our people are bigger than the other tribes that supports our trade balance. Because we can carry the kills of their hunters further and faster, that puts deer onto our cook fires. His tools would give up our natural advantage. That guy had no right screwing up our easy lives.”

Zuzu is survived by worldly possessions such as a hut, a wife, and daughter, all of which will be split up within the tribe per custom.

But many fear attracting bad spirits if any possessions, especially the wife or daughter, are given to Zuzu’s killer. To head this problem off, the Eldest has enlisted aid of the nearby tribe and trading partner, to decide who killed Zuzu.

But many in the tribe have reported misgivings at the choice of an outsider. Maru, the Eldest’s son, has said on record, “This Zarina is a willful and stubborn woman who hasn’t the common sense to just pick the lowliest member of the tribe whom everyone would be glad to wear the goat’s cape and be rid of.” Maru went on to say, “She insists on asking lots of questions and is not a likable woman. It’s too bad we can’t implicate HER so the entire matter can be quickly and efficiently settled.”

More on this developing story is available in Caveman Noir, in the October issue of Crimson Fog. You can read it online for free.

Caveman Noir, true to noir style with its cast of an Eldest’s daughter, Zarina, forced to play PI or be cast out of her village for past transgressions, the inventor of the wheel who’s savagely murdered, and Maru, an unlikeable man from a neighboring tribe with whom Zarina must cooperate. To work the case, she visits Maru’s village where the entire tribe never wanted the secret of the wheel to get out and destroy the trade agreement between Maru’s tribe and Zarina’s. As Zarina investigates leads, she discovers how her own shaded past is knotted with killer.

Crimson Fog, by TM Publishing, is an online magazine and also put into print. This debut issue contains two other stories, a repeating history of murder in “Chasing August,” and medical intrigue in “Death of a Medicine Man.” The issue is filled entirely with international submissions from India, from England, and China.

Read “Caveman Noir” for free at Crimson Fog magazine. And vote for the story!